Jim Reverend's Life

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Both Celeste and I slept in a bit. I woke up to her looking in my face and saying "da da". Strange, because I'm usually the first one up. The weather was BEAUTIFUL so, after a quick breakfast we went for a walk to play at the park. Warm sun, cool breezes, morning light, my daughter's smile — there really wasn't much else that could make the morning more perfect.

Eventually, we went home, reluctantly, had an orange to get back some of what the sun sapped from us, and jumped in the car to head for Celeste's mom's place.

I'd only seen my father-in-law for a week when he helped Jess move out. And I hadn't seen nor spoken to my mother-in-law. So I really wasn't sure what to expect when I dropped Celeste off. They were nice though. My mother-in-law made the same joke she always does when she sees my hair trimed and indicated that I had done it on her account. My father-in-law got up to shake my hand. My mother-in-law even compared our tans. We laughed a bit, and joked a bit, and all-in-all a stayed about 30 minutes before deciding that Celeste was going to be okay if I left. And so I did.

I went to my Dad's place for an hour or so, and then headed to a friend's daughter's birthday party. Had a good time meeting new people, throwing around water baloons and just goofing off. However, nothing makes me feel sadder and more awkward than being at an event geared for children without my child there. I was very glad the my brother, David, and his son, Liam, came, because I coulc sort of claim him as my own here and there.

I had to leave a bit earlier than I wanted in order to book it all the way to McKinney for the Annual Photowalk Day. There were about 50 of us, 7 (counting me) of whom I already knew. My friend Kim came as well, which was awesome. And afterwards she and I had a few beers, and nice dinner, and just talked for a long while. I got a little nervous, and the beer hit my empty stomach pretty quickly, so I'm not sure how awkward I came across as. But, I had fun anyway. Kim is awesome.

Then I headed home, tied up a few loose ends and hit the sack.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

I decided to extend my vacation through until Sunday and, in that, include Celeste as much as I could for the last few days. We got up bright and early Friday morning, did our usual good morning, potty, breakfast routine. Then we got ourselves ready and piled into the car.

Our first stop was for coffee and a little bit of walking at the Shops at Legacy. Celeste was very good about waiting for me at street crossings and really liked peeking in all of the windows and pointing out all the things she liked.

Next, we headed to the Dallas World Aquarium. Celeste saw so many animals and birds. I'm not sure how much of it she absorbed because there is so much to look at. I know for sure that she remembers the Aligator, the sharks, the "pink birds" (flamingos), and the Jaguar, which she continued to taunt by saying "KITTY!!! EAT!!!!". Celeste got a little cranky toward the end as it was past her nap time.

Next, we stopped for a quick lunch at Cafe Express. Toward the end of our meal, a girl approached us and asked me if I'd like our photo taken together. No… not my photo with the girl, my photo with Celeste. At least that's what I assume she meant. Maybe she did mean herself? Maybe she was someone famous? At any rate, I declined her offer, but I really have no idea why.

In new, awkward, or undefined social situations I tend to get very nervous. This presents itself by keeping me from thinking clearly and causing me to say and do things I don't mean because I think that's what's expected or wanted. In this case, I'm not entirely sure why, but I declined her offer because I thought it made me seem "new" at this or as though I didn't have many opportunities. I guess I thought that she thought that I was one of those dads who only gets to see his kids every so often due to divorce/separation. Or maybe she thought I was married but that I rarely take care of the kid on my own.

In order to prevent her from thinking such things I declined her offer. But I should have taken it. I would have loved a photo of Celeste and I together and taking them myself with the old "hold out your own arm" trick is never as good as someone else doing it. I'm so silly sometimes. I do silly stuff like that a lot and then regret it later. I did this the night of Day VIII too, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Next we went home for a nap, then some quick shopping at Costco, and then off to Bonnie and Justin's house to play with their new puppies, slam our hands on arcade machine buttons, and eat some very good steak (as well as handfuls of olives and edamame for Celeste).

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Day V

Sunrise

Sunrise this time of year on the Bolivar Peninsula is a photographers dream. The angle of the peninsula causes the sun to rise in EXACTLY the right spot over the shore to allow you to photograph the sun, the shore, and the sea all from the best possible angle. Standing on the shore before dawn is surreal. You can see, but just barely. The waves are crashing against the sand. The sky is enormous. And everything is waking up all at once and you're there watching it all.

It religious. I don't care what religion you subscribe to. If a sunrise like this isn't a religious experience to you then I don't think there is any level on which you and I can relate.

NUDE!

Two things have been on my list of things to do for a LONG time now: 1) Visit a Nude Beach and 2) Go Skinny Dipping. So, when I heard that the Bolivar Peninsula has its very own nude beach, I had to visit.

So I set out to do just that. I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to get out of the car. I'm pretty shy and fairly modest unless I'm really comfortable with you. But, I knew I had to try.

The road there is not welcoming. All signs tell you to turn, but you go straight. Then the road you are driving on is tore up, bad. Eventually, it turns into nothing but sand a large rocks. There is trash everywhere. The shoreline is not sand but, instead, mud. Black mud at that. Despite all of this, there are people camping and swimming every where. I'm not sure why, since there are perfectly nice and free beaches less than a mile away. None the less I continued on.

More dirt, more sand, more trash, more gross, yet I continued on. The directions said go at least 3 miles. I have 4 wheel drive with locking differentials. Even then I felt like I might have gotten stuck a time or two. Yet I continued on. I drove for 5 miles. There were no cars, no people, certainly no naked people; nothing but trash and gross. So I gave up and turned around.

Not even 30 second after I did a truck approached and passed me. Perhaps I hadn't gone far enough? Perhaps I should have turned around right then and went even further? Regardless, I didn't bother. I continued on and headed back to base camp.

A Nice Swim

Once back at the beach house, Justin and I went for a nice swim. His mom drove down and met us for the ocassion. I love swimming in the ocean. Even on the peninsula where the water is more shallow (and a bit more sandy) then other ocean locations, it's amazing and so very powerful. The waves weren't too high so I swam out a bit, floated on my back, and let the waves carry me where they wanted to. I ended up a hundred yards or so down shore by the time I'd had enough.

After our swim we got some lunch, hit the liquor store, and started making Pina Coladas.

Looking for Decay

After a few drinks, Justin and I set out to Port Bolivar and the surrounding area to take photos of dilapidated and abandoned buildings. I got quite a few great photos.

In particular, there is an abandoned motel. The carpet and doors and windows and furnishings are all missing. The walls are busted and broken. Yet the structure is mostly still there. It was beautiful.

Then we got home and set Bonnie up to spin Poi on the beach as the sunset. Another spectacular experience that I was happy to get to photograph.

Day VI

We got up early, packed the car, and headed out. We drove straight home so, aside from good music and good conversation, neither of which reproduce well here, there isn't much to tell. I did get to see Dolphins in Galveston Bay from the ferry though, which was awesome.

As soon as we got home, we unloaded the car. Then I put the carseat back in, gave Justin's car a jump because he'd left his lights on, and headed out to pick up Celeste from daycare.

I almost cried when I saw her and saw the smile on her face. I had been doing everything I could not to miss her. So when the moment I got to see her again finally came, all that missing came flooding with it. I managed to hold the tears back long enough to get her in the car and get on my way back home.

We had a nice dinner, an awesome walk, and a fantastic evening.

So good, in fact, that I've decided to extend my vacation through to Sunday. So you'll have three more days of updates. Ha.

#mb oh and 75 @635 too, but I expected that one.

Who'd have thought there'd be so much traffic at 2pm on a Friday. DNT @121. DNT @380. El Dorado @Teel. All backed up.

"if someone comes out with a shotgun, just start running. serpintine."

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Sunrise on Aransas Pass

I woke up before the sun and headed down toward Port Aransas to find a good spot to catch the sunrise. I guess I didn't look very closely at the map before I plotted my course, because I didn't realize there was a ferry between where I was and Port Aransas. Opting not to spend the time and money on the ferry, I found a decent spot on the pass just before the ferry and set up.

Later that day as we were well on our way to Galveston I would realize that, having avoided that ferry trip meant that I didn't see Port Aransas at all. Looks like I'll have to come back. Which is okay by me.

The Big Tree

Just North of Rockport, Texas lives an oak tree estimated to be over 1,000 years old. It's quite beautiful and absolutely amazing to look at and consider all of the winters and summers and storms the tree has seen. The parks system has built metal crutches to hold up some of its limbs, planted grass below it's spanning branches, built a chain link fence around it, and posted bad poems on large signs near by to commemorate it. Clearly, they are trying to protect the tree and help it to live another 1,000 years. But in reality they are only isolating it and shutting it off from the environment it's known for 1,000 years.

Sometimes we don't realize that by trying to prevent change in something, we end up changing it the most. That which lives, let it live.

Galveston

I didn't realize Galveston is as large as it is, so that was my first surprise. My second surprise was how unpopulated it was. Of course, it was the middle of a week, on a very hot day, and the region is still recovering from a bad hurricane. So, that makes sense.

None the less, I had a good time photographing the old buildings, eating good food on the bay, and walking along the seawall.

Bolivar

The Bolivar Peninsula, or what little of it I've seen so far, is quaint. It reminds me a bit of Manitoulin Island in that it seems to have it's own vibe and it's own way of life separate from the communities that surround it. Last night, well after midnight, I stood on the beach and felt the wind blow through my hair and listened to the waves crash into the shore. In that moment, I feel infinite. I felt not like Daniel, not like Human, not like Earthling, but like one single organ in the larger being that is Universe.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Day II

I woke up early, showered, then went out to meet a friend I haven't seen on a few years for a cup of coffee. Then I had a little time at the hotel followed by a late breakfast at Kerbie Lane which was quite good.

Then we left Austin headed for Rockport. We made a few stops on the way, then checked into the hotel and bummed around for a bit before going to the boiling pot for dinner. After dinner we drove to the harbor bridge for some photographs and were lucky to see the Barnum and Bailey train full of animals on the tracks.

It's strange, and sort of sad, to see the animals outside of their element. When they are in the circus and you're watching the act, it's a performance. It's not reality and it's not meant to be seen that way. But seeing train car after train car filled with elephants, their trunks moving up and down in front of the steel caged windows made me consider their life outside of performance. I can't say they aren't happy. It's obvious their life is different than it would be roaming free. But that doesn't mean their unhappy. It's just strange to think in those terms.

After photos, we called it a night.

Day III

The day began just a little too late to catch the sunrise. But Justin and I went out for some early morning photos anyway. I forgot how bad the humid air here can be on a cold camera lens and I ended up being unable to get any photographs that morning as I waited for all of the lens elements to defog. Lesson learned: leave the camera in the car overnight.

Justin and I had a damn good breakfast on the harbor and picked up something for Bonnie on the way back. Then we bummed around the hotel some more and eventually ended up heading for Mustang Island. We stopped and had some good sushi in Corpus Christi and also picked up a hat so the sun wouldn't get to us. I had brought one but couldn't find it and thought I had forgotten it and then later found it. Ha.

I had a fantastic time on Mustang Island. So beautiful. For me, being surrounded in nature or surrounded in love are the two ways one can be physically the closest to God. Really, I'd argue that those are one and the same.

It's so amazing to stand on the soft, sandy ocean bottom as wave after wave crashes into your chest. Fall back and kick your feet until your back hits the ground and just wait for another wave to pass. Jump through waves as they pass by you. Let waves carry you forward toward shore, then feel the return sweep you off your feet. These waves, these tides, are the pulse of the earth. Wading in them — feeling them push against you again and again — your pulses almost synchronize. There's nothing quite like it to show you just how small yet important you are.

Despite travelling with friends, I was alone in that moment. I found myself wishing for close companionship. Someone who would feel how heavy the world is with me — side by side — and then playfully remind me of how light it is as well. Maybe a smile, a competitive splash, a kick in the legs, a long kiss, or a playful flash. Something to say "in this world, we are small. Yet in it all, this world, too, is small. And in that, we are all important. "

Yeah. You can say all of that without speaking.

We stopped at a Mediterranean place for dinner which was quite good. Then we headed to take night photos of Fulton Mansion and then back to the hotel for much needed rest. I should have showered before bed. But, instead, I left the sweet, sticky, salt on my skin over night, so I would be reminded again in the morning.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Fuel for Paranoia

It would be an understatement to say that I am generally paranoid. I spent most of yesterday morning packing for my trip and contemplating whether I should just call the whole thing off and stay in Dallas in case something happened or I was needed in some way.

About 2 hours after we hit the road, Jess called to tell me she'd been in a car accident with the baby in the car. Thankfully, everyone is okay. I'll keep asking to make sure and worrying about it the time I'm travelling because that's what I do, but I'm so very glad that everyone is okay. But stuff like this doesn't help to calm my paranoia. Working it out helps, though.

There's no way my presence in Dallas would have prevented that accident or any of potential consequences that may follow. It would have likely happened just as it did. The only difference I might have made was in how the situation was cared for afterwards. But Jess is handling it well and calls whenever she has questions or wants an opinion, so that's good. It makes me feel like she is taking care of everything and that if something needs my attention or if a problem arises she will let me know. As long as I can hold onto that and trust in that, then there is no reason to worry about anything.

I hope working it out is enough to help me let it go.

So that's that. Enough said.

A Bad Feeling

I'm also starting to see signs that, once again, my intuition can be trusted. This is very good.

Recently (now there's a vague time word for you), I got a bad feeling about some aspects of some relationships in my life. Yesterday, while I'm fairly sure everything will be just fine in the end, I had a tiny scare that started a zygote of an idea which blossomed into full blown panic. It made me realize that sometimes the risk isn't worth the payoff and that when my intution is telling me that it might not be, instant gratification is not always the best long term solution.

I continually seek comfort and communion with others and I'm okay with that. I think that's part of what society is suppossed to provide us with. However, I seem to be seeking it in the wrong places; places that end up leaving me feeling less comfortable and less cared for and more alone. I think, in part, this is due to issues I have with vulnerability. I desire to be close to others but I shy away from the vulnerabilty that generally comes with that. So, instead, I seek action and responses that indicate familiarity and, eventually, comfort, but do so without that initial act of vulnerability. This rarely leads to the response I want which only increases frustration. I'm working on figuring this out. But in the mean time I find myself feeling frustrated and alone in the relationships that I do reach out in. So, while I work on things from this end, I'm hopeful that I find a friendship that will work with me from the other side. It's not really something you can ask for though. It just has to happen, I guess.

SPOON!

Oh yeah. So, the part of the trip that happned outside of my head. We made it to the hotel around 6:30pm and wanted to get to Stubb's (the venue Spoon was playing at) by 7pm, so not a whole lot happened before that other than driving and good conversation.

The walk from the hotel to the venue was nice though. I miss walking with a purpose. Celeste and I go on walks often, but the final destination is just back home and the walk, while fun, is mostly purposeless. It's nice to walk with a purpose. I brought the small point and shoot camera and took a few photos here and there.

The concert was great, despite some technical difficulties. Spoon puts on a good show and when they perform they are just as tight and together as they are on their albums. The sounds was spot on and the bass was just enough to let you really feel the music. Outdoor venues, even in the heat of the Texas summer, are by far my favorite places to see live music.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Despite his faults, I love my oldest brother. One of his greatest qualities is that he doesn't bother with bullshit. He tells it just like it is, even if that means taking the blame.

I hope he doesn't get too upset with me for sharing this with you. This is a voicemail he left me today, 2 days after my birthday.

You really should listen to it… but, in case you can't, here's a transcript:

hey little brother i'm sorry i missed your birthday. happy birthday and please forgive me. i knew it, i just was too lazy and i didn't call you. it's my fault no excuses. sorry. but hope you had a good birthday. give the little one a kiss for me. bye.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

I don't dare to say that anyone's life is perfect. Despite outward appearances, we all have hardships and difficulties. It's these very things that make the sweeter things sweet. However, Erin (of BlueBirdBaby) and her life continue to inspire me as an artist, a parent, a lover of nature, and a member of the human race.

Recently, she's begun to share the words of Sasa, a significant person in her life and the life of her daughter, on her site as well. I take the following words from him posted on my birthday and share them with you:

It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. How sun follows storm, how clouds follow clarity, how time follows eternity. And yet there is something always there, aware and present to notice every thing. From the simple joy of seeing the moon again for the first time, to the frenzy of fireworks filling the sky, it is all there for us.

We are such cyclical creatures. It's not a curse or a blessing, it's simply what we are. We have been indelibly shaped by our tides, our planet, its rotation, and its orbit around the closest star, our sun. Under the gentle hand of our creator, these little pushes and pulls in all different and unseen directions have led us here, shaped the moutains and the sea, created night and day, and gave birth to four generous seasons. We are creatures dependant on our planet's rotation; Dependant on its orbit around the sun for our very survial; Dependant on these cycles.

I wish to live my life in concert with what created me, not in direct opposition to it. I wish to blur the lines between which parts of the world are me and which parts are not. I wish to welcome each season against my skin instead of shutting it outside, closing all the doors, and blasting the air conditioning or stoking the furnace to force out what sneaks in the cracks.

I will find peace in a handful of sand. I will feel comfort in the mud between my toes. I will be refreshed by a heavy summer rain. I will be lulled to sleep by the gentle tug of the moon. And I wish for my daughter to find these same things and more in the world from which she was born.

It matters not if my she is wealthy or famous. It matters not if she is the biggest, the brightest, or the best. For her I only want peace. Peace found within ourselves aided only by the map that our creator has drawn time and time again all around us. And from this peace great love, happiness, and communion with others will spring forth. And the finer points of what it means to live here and now will be evident. I wish that my daughter would find naturally what has taken me thirty-one years to look for in all the wrong places. And I intend to be sure she has every tool she needds to find it. And in this great design, those tools are all free of charge.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

-Kahlil Gibran

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Today is my birthday.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I have for the 31st time in my life successfully circumnavigated the sun. Quite an accomplishment, I know. It wouldn't have been possible without my mom, my dad, gravity, and inertia, all of whom I'd like to thank on this momentous occassion.

Ha.

In reality, there's nothing more significant about today than there was yesterday or will be tomorrow. We could just as easily celebrate birth months, birth weeks, or births at 500 day intervals. In fact, I once threw myself a 10,000th day alive party, just because.

Really, life should be celebrated every single day and at every possible opportunity, because, despite being abundant here, it is so very precious.

But, there is a tradition in our society to celebrate a person on the day of their birth. And it is that tradition, not the actual event, that makes today special for me. The day is only 10 hours old and already so many friends and family have texted, called, emailed, and sent photographs wishing me a happy birthday. It is so very appreciated. Thank you all for helping to make this day special.

I spent my 30th birthday alone in Syracuse, NY. My wife and 7 month old daughter had left for Canada the day before to visit her parents and I was to follow 3 days later. I'd wanted so badly to spend the time together but it just didn't happen. And even though, just like today, that particular day was not really any more important than any other day, the tradition placed on it made it feel more important. And the round number of "30″ made it seem more important too. Therefore, it made me feel very sad to not have those I loved dearest close to me then.

But this birthday will not be that way. Despite the fact that Celeste's grandparents are in town for the next two weeks to visit her, I'm seeing her tonight. I don't have anything planned, but spending time with my daughter will be more than enough. No matter how amazing my life was before her, with her in it, everything is bigger and better and more important than it ever was before.

So today, on my birthday, I am grateful for Jess and all the family and friends that have played a role in bringing her into this world and shaping her life and making her who she is. I can say, without a doubt, that Celeste has the best chosen family on the face of the planet.

Of course, as always, I welcome and appreciate spending time with people I care about. If you're without plans this evening (or Thursday, or Friday), or have plans worth cancelling, and would like to join us to go swimming, go for a walk, have a nice dinner, watch a movie at home, have a beer or two, or just stand out on the front porch and talk as the sun sets, I'd love that. You know how to reach me.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Last night was terrible. Im laying here awake thinking of it partly because it was so bad, but also because it's our last day together before my inlaws get here.

Despite a bad headache, a cranky girl, and a few other bad circumstances, we had a really good day until we got home. Then everything went wrong.

First there was the dinner thing. She wasn't listening at all and almost got boiling water splashed on her. I tried the nice voice and the stern voice. I tried askin and I tried physically moving. No matter what she either threw a fit or didn't listen. Then, when that didn't work, she resorted to being intentionally hurtful. I would have never believed a 1.5 year old could be intentionally hurtful if I hadn't been through it. More than once. On the same day. Which is what she did last night.

After dinner we went for a 1.5 hour walk because that's what she wanted. We played and laughed and had fun. Except for the two times we stopped at the house to get water and/or use the bathroom. We were even playing "which house is ours" and she was so excited when she found it until she thought that meant we were going home. It didn't. We were just walking past it. So then she changes her answer to a very angry NO, that it was definately not our house. When it was actually time to go in she cried and cried and cried. Thankfully, singing and laughing inside got her over that fairly quickly.

When it was finally bed time she wanted nothing of it. No songs. She didn't want me to lay with her. She started getting more and more dificult. When I could think of no other options I set us up a little bed in front of the TV (which we rarely watch) to let her decide she was ready on her own. But she just got crankier and crankier. After almost 45 minutes of that I decided it was time to stop giving her a choice. Then she exploded. After dealing with that I told her that she could do whatever she wanted but that I was going to sleep. I laid down and she just threw herself on the ground and bumped her face on the night stand.

I picked her up and tried to tak to her. She resorted to being intentionally mean again. 30 minutes of laying around and talking and trying to change the subject and she finally decided she could stop being mean and that it was okay to go to sleep. It took over 1.5 hours to go from some form of very upset to sleeping.

And of course all of that is made worse by the fact that I got frustrated. I stopped being a source of calm and love and instead just cake off as upset and ocassionaly angry and yelling. Which does no one any good at all. And all of that was made worse still by this being out last nIght together before my inlaws get here. In the end I was crying and she was crying and it was just absolutely terrible.

And I feel horrible. I'd take the day off of work if it was an option. But it just isn't for a few reasons.

At least I get to see her again on Wednesday.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Yesterday evening started out terrible. I drove all the way home from Keller only to find out that I had the wrong date for the plans I was returning for. We wanted to see fireworks, there were 6 other people going including kids, and I'd ruined everything.

It took all my might to stay positive. Celeste sensed I was upset and started acting up which only made things much worse.

We scoured the Internet looking for other fireworks happening on Friday the 3rd. The only thing we could find was Kaboom Town which we knew would be packed with people, a traffic nightmare, and not nearly as family friendly as it pretends to be.

In the end our choices were either Kaboom Town or nothing at all. So we opted to go.

So I put my new philosophy into high gear: this was our choice, there are no other options, hate it or love it we're going… So I may as well resolve to love it.

So I did.

And so did Celeste.

Yes there were too many people, food cost too much, it was not at all family friendly, and traffic was absolute chaos (though we did manage to make it home a lot faster than it took is to get there).

But so what. We had fun. Lots of fun. And hearing Celeste say "ooooooh! Booooooom!" after each explosion and get soooooo excited seeing the airplanes made all the other crap not even matter.

Kaboom Town was a success.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

14 long days

My inlaws called Jess two days ago to give her final dates for their trip out here. Instead of 10 days they are staying 14. Instead of driving they are flying. Instead of coming at the end of July they are coming on July 6th. They will not be renting a car. They will not be getting a hotel. Surprise!

I had half a mind to not be accomating when it comes to Celeste's time because that's just ridiculous. But at the same time, I want them to be a part of Celeste's life and I don't know how much of the "Surprise" was them changing their mind last minute, and how much of it was Jess not seeking to get dates and times soon enough.

Regardless, they'll be here for 14 days and I won't be seeing Celeste for most of it.

Jess and I worked out a decent plan. I get a bunch of days before and after to make up for the time when they are here. I also get two evenings throughout their stay so that it's not so long without so much as even seeing her. And finally, I've got preapproval to do something similar myself in the fall so I can take Celeste to New York and Vermont for 4 to 6 days.

It's going to be a long, hard two weeks. Thankfully, I'm lining up distractions.

The 4th of July!

I've got Celeste with me for five days in a row. In these five days there are three days off of work. We have some plans but, for the most part, I'm just packing very full bags and playing it all by ear.

There are tentative plans to go to a Splash Park Friday morning. There are more tentative plans to see Fireworks in Addison or possibly Carrollton on Friday night. There are fairly solid plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night. The rest is unknown. I'm sure there will be swimming and singing and playing and book reading and sidewalk chalk — always sidewalk chalk.

My Birthday!

My Birthday is July 8th and it's one of the days I've worked out to have with Celeste. So that's extra nice, especially since I spent my last birthday without her (or anyone, actually) when Jess took her to Canada. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm doing it but, really, as long as I have Celeste there I'm doing better than I ever have before. More than likely, whatever it is, you're invited. I rarely turn down the opportunity for good company.

Home Improvement

I'm hoping to build a headboard and put down hard flooring upstairs which Celeste is away. I'm still seeking help and arrangements for getting the flooring done. The headboard I can do myself. If I can't do the flooring, I'll tackle a few organization projects instead. Company both welcome and greatly apprecaited.

SPOON!

Saturday, July 11th, myself and 9 other people will be traveling to the great city of Austin, TX is order to witness live musicians calling themselves "Spoon" perform on stage at Stubb's.

Several of my favorite people will be there with me and this promises to epic.

The Gulf Coast

The day after Spoon, as everyone else heads back to DFW myself and two good friends will travel to the Texas Gulf Coast for four days. Yes, I've never been. I know that's sad. Despite claims from some that it is nothing but a swampy shithole, I'm confident that the opportunties for photographic, culinary, social, mental, and personal stimulation will be plenty. Plus, we've got our very own Spirit Guide.

I've been in swampy shitholes before and came out smiling. The greatest competition toward enjoyment will come from the same three places they usually do no matter where I am: the humidity, the bugs, and my own mind.

I don't have any details on where we're going other than "that way". I don't know where I'm staying, where I'm eating, or which spots are on the list of "must-sees". I'm, hopefully, working all of that out over the next few days.

The worst part

One of the only truly difficult parts about being separated from Jess is being without my daughter. When all of this finally started working itself into what it is today, I knew there would come a time where I would have to go without her for much longer than I care to. Now is that time.

It makes me sad that it has to be like this. It makes me sad that in the middle of it all there might be a sad, confused little girl who wants her Daddy and can't figure out why no one will let her see him or — worse — why he's not coming to see her like he always does. I hope and pray that she's not old enough to feel that this time around and that when the next time comes she might be old enough to understand.

But still, tears stream down my face as I write these words and I can't make them stop. Because I understand the hows and whys of it all, as much as it hurts to be away from her, I can get by. In the end, though I may be sad, I'll be okay. But it breaks my heart over and over again to think of what she might go through.

My greatest hope is that the distraction provided by her grandparents will be enough to keep her from noticing too often and that they will plan some activities for her to keep her active and entertained as opposed to sitting around avoiding the nasty Texas heat as we are so often inclined to do.

Finally, I hope that if she really gets distressed that Jess and my inlaws will find it somewhere in themselves to invite me over for a few hours in order to show my little girl that her daddy isn't gone forever.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

7,223 updates ago, I started a Twitter account: twitter.com/revjim. I had locked updates and all was good and right in the world and I knew all of 3 people using the service.

Things have changed.

As I mentioned in detail on Jonathan's LJ, people use Twitter in very different ways. I have two very different kinds of followers:

1) People interested in my website, my photography, my personal thoughts, and links of interest to me.

2) People interested in the current mostly mundane details of my local life and making small talk about it.

Now keep in mind, there are people who fit both categories. In fact most people who fit in group 2 probably at lesat partly live in group 1. However, not all of those people would prefer to subscribe to each individual source of information as opposed to using twitter to aggregate it all.

Despite the fact that I believe I should continue to use technology in a way that does me the most good, at the same time, if I can do something without putting myself out too far to make more people more happy with the way I'm using that technology, then it becomes even more useful.

So, I now have two Twitter accounts.

twitter.com/revjim: This will be manual updates about my life and, for the most part, all original content. Full of "Celeste just pooped in the potty", "I'm getting coffee", "I am SOOOOO drunk", "I'm eating a chicken sandwich", "I have a headache", "I'm in El Paso!", "I just bought a iPod Touch", and "I really hate Apple". There will be location based updates as well (from Loopt or whatever tool I choose). There will also be @replies to other friends, etc. This will be my primary use account. The status updates will be syndicated to Facebook as they are now. Lots of noise here. Very little signal. Mostly useless information but still a large part of the "fun" of Twitter. Should average about 20 updates a day though 80% of them will be replies to people you may not follow, in which case you won't even see them. This will be locked/private.

twitter.com/revjimweb: Website updates, photos, and links to longer, more thought out posts all over the web including comments made on other blogs and journals. It will consist of only links and responses to those links. Should average about 5 updates a day, give or take. However, there may be some replies if followers choose to interact with the content in that way. For instance, replying directly in Twitter, using Tweetboard, or authenticating with Disqus through Twitter.

Follow (or UnFollow) as you desire. You won't hurt my feelings either way.

(and I may get a few in the wrong place as I switch all my tools over, so bear with me.)

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

At the end of this month my ex-inlaws are driving down from Canada to visit with Celeste and Jess. They are staying for 10 days and, of course, they want to see Celeste as much as possible which means, ideally, all 10 days. This is understandable and wonderful and all of those other good words. And I, of course, want them to be as big a part of Celeste's life as possible. And I want Celeste to spend as much time with them as she can get.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck, too. 10 days is such a long time.

I'm not officially on bad terms with them or anything. In fact, we converse as much now as we did when Jess and I were together. Maybe more. But I also didn't catch even a hint of an invitation from Jess to come over for dinner one or twice throughout the 10 days.

On the one hand I know 10 days is going to be rough. Very rough. Because I'm just that way. I feel all the important feelings with intense amplification. So I'm inclined to distract myself as heavily as possible: ROAD TRIP. Or debauchery. But a Road Trip is more likely.

On the other hand, on the off chance that something should happen I'd like to be around. Not anything bad. I know she's in good hands with Jess and even more so with her parents around. And my parents and many of my friends would be happy to step in if something should happen and assistance were needed. I'm not worried at all in that regard. But… if Celeste should ask for me I'd like to be reachable by phone. Or if Jess should decide to give me a night or invite me to dinner on whim, if I'm not around then I'll feel guilty for not being there. Not because I should feel guilty but because that's just how I am.

So I'm thinking, whatever I do, I'll try to get it done in the first 4 to 6 days. That'll leave me with 4 to 6 more days to recover, get some stuff done around the house, engage in debauchery, and be available just in case.

It looks like the Texas Gulf Coast is the destination of choice. That's way exciting for me. Believe it or not, I've never been.

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

(this is just random crap. every paragraph is a new topic. skimming may suit you best, here)

I have Friday off and I have Celeste all day. Weekends are the best when I have her. This coming weekend is now 50% longer than an average weekend. It's like a sweet little unexpected present.

I have awesome plans to see fireworks in Grapevine on Saturday night with a friend and her daughter. I can't wait to see Celeste's face when they go off. I can't remember what we did last 4th of July, but I'm pretty sure we were on a plane, in an airport, or checking into a hotel room. So this is really her first experience with fireworks. I think she's going to LOVE them. We're going to bring some snacks and a couple of camp chairs, and turn the back of my SUV into a little bed. I doubt she'll sleep with so much excitement but it'll be a nice clean place to sit and/or roll around anyway.

Yesterday as I was putting Celeste to sleep, she leaned forward and gave me a great big kiss. Then she said "more dada".

I'm planning a road trip for the end of July/first week of August. Probably 4 to 6 days. I've never seen the Texas Gulf Coast, but it's hot and humid so I'm reluctant. Southern Utah sounds like fun, but the 20 hours of driving alone to get there doesn't. Anyone want to come along? Either way, I could CouchSurf my way there. That would make it more enjoyable.

I understand that people have bad days every now and then. And I understand that bad days can lead to a snippy conversation or pointing anger and frustration in places where it isn't deserved. It's not great, but it happens. I'm guilty of this myself many times over. Being treated this way by other people makes me realize how difficult it must have been to deal with me when I got this way. However, when that misplaced anger turns into accusation, passive aggression, and guilt trips it becomes even worse. And that becomes a pattern, it becomes absolutely tiring.

I'm already pretty shy when it comes to girls and dating. It's just not something I was ever very good at. Being a recently separated, single dad, who still isn't technically divorced doesn't really make it any easier. And between Celeste and work, I really have very little time left. So having romantic feelings toward anyone is a pretty crazy thing to even consider. But, it's not exactly something I can stop. But even if it goes nowhere, it's fun to think about… so why not?

Last night I went to change Celeste and whatever the circumstances were somehow she thought it meant I was putting her to bed, though it was quite a bit before her usual bedtime with me. At first I thought maybe she was just tired, so I continued with the bedtime ritual. But she wasn't. She was, however, content to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It was amazing (and heart warming) to see her so willing to do what she thought I wanted even if it wasn't exactly the most fun for her. After a little bit I asked her if she was going "night night" and she said "yes". Then I asked her if she was sleepy and she said "no". I asked her if she'd rather play or sleep and she said "play". So I told her she could get up and we could read some books if she wanted. So she did. We read lots of books, had a nice snack, played with blocks, and then eventually went back to bed.

I have my last Chiropractor and Massage appointment today. My massuse says that my neck is so heaviily knotted that I'm what massage students would consider a good learning tool. Ha. All I know is that whatever she does hurts like hell when she's doing it but leaves me with a VERY clear head about 30 minutes after she's done that lasts about 24 hours or so. So I figure, if I could just see her every day, I'd be cured.

I have so many photographs to share. My camera never stops clicking. But, with so many I start to have a really hard time picking out which ones to share and the whole task becomes overwhelming. So, I think I'm just going to start just picking one photo a day at random, spending a few minutes spicing it up, and then publishing it. It'll cause Arranging Light to border more on "experimental" than it has in the past, but that's always been the point anyway.

I'm starting to have a hard time figuring out how to teach Celeste what's okay and what isn't. Yesterday we were playing outside and she decided to climb on someone elses front porch. I told her "no" and she ran and hid behind a chair there. I told her to come back and she wouldn't budge. I know she was playing. "Chase" is one of her favorite games to play. I could see her playing face. And I can tell when her playing face turns into a "oh no I did something wrong" face. And eventually it did change. But, she still wasn't moving. I eventually went up and got her. Maybe she's just playing me but I don't think she understood what was wrong, only that something was. I tried to explain to her that she just needs to do whatever I say when I say it, which she seems to understand, but it still didn't fully click.

My approach of giving Celeste a "time out" of sorts in my lap when she isn't listening well and talking to her one-on-one does work. Quite well, actually. I actually surprise myself sometimes. The problem is, it's a teaching tool and not an action tool. Almost proving my point, we were back outside not 10 minutes later and I saw — I'm not kidding — three wasps fall out of the tree she was under and land on the grass next to her in a jumbled mass. Worried their might be more I said "Celeste, come here right now". But she, once again, decided it was a game. I reached under the tree and snacthed her up which, ordinarily, she might have thought was fun. But coupled with my tone and the urgency in my face, it wasn't fun any more. I don't want to stop having fun with her, but at the same time I need to find a way to communicate the difference between "fun" and "serious".

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Something tells me I should just keep writing, even if I don't really have anything to say. So, I'll keep it up until either I get bored or you all do.

Today is Sunday which, at least here in North America, means "church day" for a lot of people.

Yesterday I wrote this:

much like God, it's easier for me to define love in what it isn't instead of what it is.

Now that I really consider it, when trying to state what they are, I often define God and Love in almost exactly the same way.

Despite religious upbringing of several different varieties, with exception of a few pockets here and there, I've never been a very religious person. Don't confuse "religious" with "spiritual" however, as I am a very spiritual person. I just never could get into the doctrine and dogma that comes with "religion". If you consider for a second that even if you only selected 50% of the people of this planet to consider as genuinely good natured, we are all, every inhabitant of this planet, still damned to some less than ideal afterlife by at least one of them.

I love the concept of religion. I love ritual and tradition. I love meaning. I love using smaller, simpler tools to explain larger, more difficult concepts. What I don't like about religion is that fact that they are all so eager to decide that everyone else is wrong.

I recently answered a silly poll question with a very serious answer. The question was "Do you really believe in the 'bad things come in 3's' thing?". I wrote:

I think we perceive things in ways that help us to understand them. By grouping things into threes it helps us understand that there is more to come, but also that there is an end. We see patterns because patterns help us understand.

Take this from Hinduism if you will: Brahman is the infinite, transcendent reality which is the Divine Ground of everything. In other words, Brahman is the highest and truest "God". But understanding such a profound concept is difficult for even the most devout and learned. So, put simply, Hinduism has many, MANY Gods: personifications of various aspects of the infinite Brahman. Patterns detected in the whole of divinity and put into a shape and size that we humans can absorb and interpret and apply.

Hinduism uses two different words here. Saguna Brahman to indicate the "God" with form and traits and therefore, often, doctrine and dogma. And then there is Nirguna Brahman, the formless "God" that represents all things. Yet even Hindus with this great understanding of the true nature of "God" often focus more on the Saguna Brahman because it is so much more accessible and identifiable.

Which leads me to why I am so happy to have found a Unitarian Universalist Congregation. Don't worry. This isn't a pitch. I'm not trying to sign anyone up. I don't get points with God for bringing you to the light nor do I get some kind of eternal credit for saving your soul nor do I believe that most souls even need saving.

We UUs are bounded together by our spirituality. However, we also collectively recognize the purpose of dogma and the personification of God. We don't deny the usefulness of that personification, nor do we try to discourage it's use or practice. Instead, in fact, we take from the stories and teachings of many religions and incorporate them into our own teachings, allowing each person to pick and choose which stories mean the most to them. In the end, we're all left with a shared sense of love, community, and belonging, and a melting pot of "I believe" to share with one another.

It's not perfect, of course. Nothing is. We all carry so much dogma and such a great sense of competition and righteousness that it's often hard to let it all go. But we try. When it comes to discussing spiritual matters and matters of the heart, it's one of the most comfortable places I've ever spoken up and felt accepted.

I hope that whoever you are, where ever you are, if you've learned anything at all about God, the most important of all of it can be summed up in these Beatles lyrics:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's Easy…

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but learn how to be you in time.
It's Easy…

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's Easy…

All you need is Love.
All you need is Love.
All you need is Love, LOVE!
Love is all you need!

Originally published at revjim.net. Please leave any comments there.

Proximity is a determining factor in any relationship. Depending on those involved the effects can be different, but it always matters. The great big Internet is supposed to bring us all closer and make us all local, and it does, to some degree. But in all the ways that it makes the world smaller, it only serves to remind us just how fucking big it is.

While the virtual world can help us all stay close and connected and make the distance between us less important, at some point those virtual connections become real connections. And, if the relationship is strong and good, then we only want nothing more than to make a real connection again and again. But when you continue to do this with people scattered all over the globe with different ties to different places for different reasons, your ability to see any and all of them in that very real sense becomes distinctly, hopelessly, impossible.

Even a subset of the world as small as Dallas Fort Worth (which is REALLY fucking small when you think about the entire world) is HUGE when you factor in such things.

Look at this: my brother is about to get off work and bring his son over to my mom's house where my other brother is with his two daughters. They are going to spend the evening together. I've talked to each of them many times today via Facebook, text message and on the phone. Each of them inviting me and encouraging me to visit. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I was there too. But that's an hour away, and an hour back. And, because I wasn't told until too late, I've already got plans on the other side of the world. And when those plans are over, I have more going on in my own backyard.

If were in closer proximity to them, chances are that's where I'd be tonight.

But "move there" is not the answer. Because, there will be another night, even tonight for instance, where I am "there" with plans and I get invited to something out "here" that I really want to attend. And then it's the same situation in reverse.

So because of this, there's a certain "something" between my brother's and I that will go missing tonight. Something that, in a smaller, less connected world with either be fulfilled or would have never been known about in the first place.

If all of my family and friends lived within 5 miles of one another, my day to day life would be quite different indeed. This is one of the big appeals to country, small town living, and "big city" living and one of the major drawbacks to suburbia and sprawl.

But there's really nothing we can do. Our lives are enriched by these connections, virtual or otherwise. And even if we long for them to be more "real" more often, that doesn't discount their value in anyway.

They say that the human mind isn't really capable of considering or truly acknowledging or feeling a connection to more people than a small village's worth. And in our first days, that's all we had — small villages. And this is why now, even when we hear of starving children in Africa, for the most part, we remain unaffected and unmoved. But if those starving children were right next door, or, close friends of ours, the situation would be much different, and we'd be much more active.

Maybe I just need to be more local.